This may come as a big shock to some of you who read my blog. Scratch that, this WILL be a shock to some of you, that is if you aren't one the people I already told.
First, some background (which will most likely reveal what I'm about to say, but oh well!)
Up until high school I never felt like I fit in with many kids aside from 1 or 2 close friends. In high school that really changed. I don't know why but suddenly I found myself making friends with so many people I could hardly keep it straight. The interesting thing is that I befriended people from several different cliques that really didn't get along very well together. One of those cliques was the gay community of East High School. I think that happened when I started dating a girl that would later be a key figure in the formation of the gay/straight alliance at East High (although we had been broken up for quite a while before that happened). I'll call her EL.
Right after high school I joined the army national guard. I won't bore with everything that happened there, just one main detail. There was a time during basic training that my drill sergeant for some reason decided to take off his shirt in front of everyone. I must say that I REALLY liked what I saw. It was the first time that I admitted to myself that I had an attraction to men. I was still straight mind you, I couldn't possibly be with anyone other than a woman. When I came home from training I moved in with EL and her girlfriend. That didn't last long but while I was there I did consider that I might be gay or bisexual. When one of their friends propositioned me I stopped! It wasn't so much that I didn't want to be with a guy, it's just that this particular one was the ugliest guy I had ever seen, I mean he must have been born part troll. And he was supposed to be in a committed relationship but he wanted to cheat with me. I guess I figured if that is what I was going to attract I didn't want any part of it.
Fast forward a few months:
I had moved back in with my mother. Due to some really stupid financial decisions I had a lot of debt to pay and I was feeling very overwhelmed. I had left the LDS church and was searching for something. One day at work I just broke down. Thankfully I was alone, my job required me to be the first one there. I was in the back room just having a panic attack. I felt the weight of the world, the weight of my debt and my deep need for God in my life. On my way home from wok I decided that I was going to find the truth if I had to visit every church on he planet and piece the truth together for myself. Soon after that I changed jobs (I did that quit lot) and I was working at Hogi Yogi which I have to say was one of the funnest jobs I've ever had. During one of our slow periods this woman walked in. Now this was one of my off days. I was still feeling all the pressures that I had been experiencing and on his day I was particularly down. After I helped her she asked what was wrong or something and said she had something that she hoped would cheer me up. Then she invited me to church. That did cheer me up a bit since I had recently made that decision to find the truth. I went that weekend and soon I joined in their bible studies. I was baptized about 2 months later into the Salt Lake Christian Church (SLCC)
By this time I had pretty much given up on my attraction to men. It was there but I kept it caged up pretty well. Some time later (months? years? I'm not sure) DD joined. DD was... still is a very attractive man. We became good fiends. One day we were talking and he revealed that he had an attraction to men. I shared with him that I did as well and that I had pretty much just set that part of myself aside. At least that's how I remember it. DD seems to remember a slightly different conversation, but that doesn't matter much to my story.
Several years down the road SLCC had a rift suddenly develop over whether we should join with another church or not and SLCC split. A large number of us left (including myself but not DD) and joined with the other church or just left all-together. Some of us visited both churches which I later tried to do but it just didn't work out for me. From time to time DD and I would get together and play tennis or watch movies or something. I even tried to move into his house but due to problems with his family that didn't work out.
So a few days ago I went to the library to check my email and I pulled up My Space which told me my friends had new blog posts. I clicked on that and what did I see? DD had posted that he was leaving SLCC and going to find a church that is GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered) friendly.
And now this is where we get to the crux of my post.
I called DD up and and we got together to talk. At that time I revealed to him that I had always been attracted to him and we talked for a while. He invited me to a gay men's choir and I went and sang with them at one of their rehearsals. That was last Thursday. They told us that every Friday they meet at Tryangles and invited DD and me to join them. We did. Saturday morning my mother called me and asked me where I went. I told her I didn't know and she got upset that I wouldn't tell her. We hung up and I went back to bed. After laying there for 20 minutes I called her back and let her know that I was at a gay club and that I am bisexual.
Honestly, I am amazed at how easy of a coming out I had. Immediately I have a group of people to hang out with and my mother didn't get as upset as I thought she would. She scolded me for a bit but in the end she told me she will love me no matter what decisions I make and she hasn't said a word about it since then.
I know that pretty much anyone who reads this will know who DD is, but I used fake initials to hide his identity from those that could make life difficult for him. We have gone on a date, but so far that's all we have done. I'd hate for anyone to think our relationship is anything more than it is (at least for the present).
And for those wondering why I am posting this... I have realized that every time I Confess(?) what I am that I feel better about myself. It's like I am finally being who I should always have been. I hope that in posting this I can open up some discussion and that I can flesh out what it means to be queer and a Christian.
I have been reminded by DD that he did indeed leave the SLCC, but eventually went back. Sorry, somewhat faulty memory...